I’ve had a few conversations recently about my experience with silence. It has become an integral part of my life over this last decade and seems like it will continue to be. Many people are uncertain of how to even begin trying to experience silence. So, I’ve just written a very brief guide aimed at helping people make their first steps into this world. I hope that someone out there will find it helpful.
The thought of spending an extended time in silence can be daunting for most people. In our society we spend our entire lives avoiding those empty, awkward moments when there is nothing filling the air. We find comfort in always having some sort of noise or activity to keep us distracted. Although we have all been raised in this world of activity and sound, many people have heard about the incredible benefits of silence and want to dip their toes in the water. If this is you, then this very short little guide may be of help. The brief instructions are designed to assist you in finding your feet in the world of silence, so you can begin the incredible journey which starts in that silent place.
When considering your first time in silence, you should begin with something manageable. If it is too long, it may be overwhelming, yet if it is too short, you may not have enough time to overcome the initial barriers and begin enjoying its benefits. It seems like it takes most people a few days before they settle in and begin to experience the benefits of the silence, though everyone is a bit different. I would encourage you to begin with three or even four days if you can. I would not recommend much more than this to start with. Some people prefer to begin with a couple hours here and there and slowly work up to a few days. I think that would work as well, but you should aim to eventually spend a couple of full days in silence to really begin experiencing what it offers.
While you can pursue silence anywhere, even in the middle of a big busy city, I recommend that you choose somewhere that will facilitate your first experience, somewhere away from home, away from work, away from family responsibilities, away from your friends, your phone, and the demands of life. I even recommend getting away from your books and music. You should try to find somewhere that you won’t be distracted by noise or activity. Ideally, somewhere that is out in the natural world.
While I do a lot of remote backpacking, I find that when camping my mind is busy trying to plan where I’ll get water, what I’ll try and cook for dinner, what I’ll do about the incoming storm, etc. My recommendation is that for your first time that you go somewhere that specializes in silent retreats. They normally are built in secluded natural settings with walking trails and beautiful places to sit. Most of them have single rooms, provide meals, and encourage all visitors to respect each other’s silence.
You can find numerous silent retreat centers with a simple Internet search. Many of them are run by the Jesuits or the Benedictines as well as by other religious and non-religious groups.
As a side note, I would highly encourage you to go on your own. If you feel you must go with someone else, make an agreement that you won't talk or interact with each other during this time. The reason for this is because that relationship will distract you from the inner journey you need to make.
One of the benefits of choosing a Jesuit retreat center or a Benedictine retreat center is that they almost always have people on staff that are trained to assist those who are on this type of retreat. They will likely call this person a “spiritual director”, which at the beginning is really just someone to help you clarify your questions and help you move into solitude and silence in a healthy way, even if you are not of that religious persuasion. Having an experienced guide to meet with once or twice a day can be very valuable and save you from some of the more common challenges people experience when starting on this road.
The guides are usually very respectful of where you are in your own journey and if you prefer not to talk about spiritual things or are from a different religious background, they are usually happy to help you make the most of your time. There are often people of other faiths or no faith at these Jesuit and Benedictine retreat centers. I highly recommend that you take advantage of meeting with them, especially when you are first starting, as there is often a lot that comes to the surface during those initial hours and days which can be disorienting and perhaps even overwhelming. A good guide will simply help you process what you are experiencing without pushing anything on you.
The transition from a normal life to solitude and silence will likely be quite challenging. Even those of us who enjoy quiet may find an extended time of silence difficult. In many ways, the first hours or days of solitude and silence might make you feel like you are an addict going through withdrawal. At first, you may not be able to be still. You may feel a sense of panic and disorientation. Everything inside of you wants to return to a busy life and a busy mind. You might feel like you are going crazy and willing to do anything to escape. Yet as you recognize the source of those feelings, recognize the fear behind them and let them go, you should slowly begin to unwind and find peace. This can take a while, so be patient with yourself. This is why I recommend giving yourself a few days for your first time.
It is from this point that the journey really begins. You don’t really control this journey, but rather go along for the ride. It may lead you into addressing wounds, thoughts, or attitudes that lie under the surface. It may lead to a reorientation of your perceptions and relationships. It may lead to an encounter with God, or it may lead to a deep sense of internal peace. It could also simply lead to a few days of relaxation with no obvious forward progress. How this time will play out is simply something to be discovered as you open your heart and release your control.
Here are some suggestions for how to approach this time. These keys can make a huge difference and really help you to benefit from this time.
Here is a list of some of the things to do and not do during time:
There is also a deeply spiritual component to silence if you are open to it. For thousands of years people have gone to places of silence to connect with God, places where they can let go of all the distractions that keep us from hearing the whisper. If you are wanting to travel this road, simply start by paying attention to that internal dialogue. Don’t force anything or try to imagine hearing anything. Simply follow the guidance above to reach that place of peace and awareness of what’s happening inside you. Be content not to hear anything, and simply pay attention. You may discover that at some point that the internal dialogue moves beyond your own voice and begins speaking things you have never known and never thought. The voice of God is always one of love, never accusation or condemnation. Immediately reject and refuse to listen to any voice that comes to condemn. God’s voice may very well point out uncomfortable things within us, but always with the aim of bringing healing and wholeness. As you hear this other voice, respond to it, interact with it, but know that it is like a butterfly that doesn’t settle for long. Don’t try to control it, let it come, and let it go. As you follow it, it will lead you on a journey into everything you’ve always somehow known at the core of your being and into a new world and way of being. Open your hands and your heart. Let it be what it is. You are beginning the great journey of the mystics.
If you work through the first difficult period and reach that place of letting go, then when you return home you will likely find yourself missing that solitude and silence. You will probably find yourself wanting more open space and silence in your life. You may want to implement times of solitude and silence in your day or each week. This will help you maintain much of what you experienced, but you'll also want to schedule regular times of extended solitude as well.
Solitude when pursued intentionally for internal growth can help us reconnect with the deepest part of ourself, leading us to greater wholeness and peace. Changes made at this level will have major ramifications on our life and on those we interact with. If we make solitude a regular practice, we will come to know ourselves at a very deep level, gain compassion for ourselves and in turn for those around us. It should not separate us from our world, our communities, or our friends and family, but rather it should help us to relate to all of them in a deeper and healthier way. It will very likely improve our relationships, our happiness, and contentment.
Yet intentional solitude is not easy and there is an art to learning how to enter in and interact with our inner world in a way that leads towards health. It isn't a quick fix, but rather a lifetime journey. Our aim should not be to retreat from the world as hermits, but rather to eventually come to create a life with wide margins and space for the things of importance grow and flourish.
Solitude may look like a dark scary place, but that door can lead to a vast new beautiful world we never imagined where there is light, joy, and wholeness waiting for us.